Tuesday February 22, 2011…9:41PM
I just sat down with my two good friends Uv Blue and Cranberry. Uv is the silly one, always cracking jokes and Cranberry is the perfect compliment because she balances out the conversation with some serious logic and reason. We were talking about life again, you know philosophizing on the meaning and value and, within that, our role and our purpose. We go around and around about this topic – but it always heads off in some weird direction on some random tangent. Tonight, the tangent is rules….
I have a long history of following the rules. Growing up I was a “good-girl”. My grades were average, I did not hang out with people who drank or did drugs, and I tried to do the things that would make my parents proud of me. I showed up on-time, and did as I was told. Long story short – I did my best to hang in the circle of good and never really pushed the envelope or questioned authority or the rules.
This continued on into my adult life. Things sort of just move along, you know…time passes and you don’t realize it’s passing until it passes you by. It never did me wrong, though, so I was OK with it. I went to college, met a boy, graduated, got married, lived in that bubble of bliss for many years. Eventually we had a couple of kids, we had good jobs, made money, bought houses and cars, and all the while I was still following all the rules and trying to live up to all the “expectations” of life.
Until the reality of it all hits me one day. “What reality” Uv asks.
“Great question!” I say. The reality of life. Is this what I wanted for myself? Is this what I dreamed of as a wee las? Or have I just been coasting along just doing all the things people expect me to do? The answer, of course, is coasting. Yes it’s a balance between doing what I want and what other people expect, “but that line is blurry, you know?!”
I wanted to get married, but that was what was expected. I wanted to buy a house, but that was expected too. I wanted to have babies – oh my did I want to have the babies – but wasn’t that also what was expected? That’s what most people think about when they think about the formula for life. But then what happens when something goes horribly wrong? When all of a sudden the reality that you are not satisfied and not happy smacks you in the face and you have to force yourself to go against “expectation”, go against the norm to fix it.
In my case it meant divorce, which was, from one perspective, the biggest thing I have ever done where breaking rules in concerned. I let a few people down. I broke a sacred rule and in their eyes will probably go to hell for it. But even though there were some that were mortified by this decision, the vast majority were still behind me….
OK – Uv just punched me in the chest and now I have to go lay down. Maybe I can finish this later…
10:28 now and the sensation that I’m going to die of a heart attack has ceased so I can continue…Where was I? Oh yes, following the rules, following the rules, and then just breaking my first rule.
Literally, people, my first rule ever! I did have a wine cooler when I was a senior in high school, but does that even count? No – I don’t think so. Cranberry just told me I was totally lame, but what does she know anyway?! I’ve never done a drug or even smoked weed. Never. So this divorce thing was totally the biggest rule I ever broke. Unless you count the time that I thought I had disconnected a phone call with my MIL and then totally yelled “FUCK” about some other random thing – I am sure that was breaking some rule somewhere, but who’s going to count that?!
Which is where the philosophy comes in. Who makes the rules? The god-fearing people right? If you don’t believe in that, does that mean the rules don’t apply to you? Because life would surely be a great deal easier if the vast majority of the rules did not apply to you. Now I’m not saying that you could be like Brittney Spears driving in your car with your kids on your lap in the front seat and that would be OK – that’s just plain stupid. I’m saying that just because the mass populous has certain expectations for what you should do with your life does not mean that you should blindly do that.
Cranberry just said I was being too verbose and she told me to get to the point…
In the end, will following all the rules really make a difference? Will there come a time when following the rules is counter to what you want or need or believe to be the correct course of action? If that is the case, then screw the rules and follow your bliss.
Love – Cranberry, Uv, and Shyspark