Then as he walked away, I said “I love you” and was left with only air between us and a silence that crushed my already broken heart into a thousand tiny pieces.
It’s that sound of silence after five years of being together that turns your heart cold despite the bright rays of sunshine dancing across the windshield glass of the cars in the parking lot between you. The fractures that line the surface are unable to handle the pressure of the temperature shift and it shatters into pieces as you turn and walk in the other direction. All of its shards are still there, twisting and cutting as you drive away alone, tears streaming down your hot angry cheeks.
It’s the music in your ears of past years where every line relates to what you feel, right now. It punctuates the pain. Then comes the agony of hearing any song once sung out load on falling-in-love road trips to undecided destinations. Utterly unbearable. Fuck you Foo-Fighters, you are no longer allowed in the shuffle.
It’s the waking up at 3AM with a feeling of dread because you know sleep is now a stranger and your mind won’t rest until it reaches a conclusion. It’s programmed to find a solution. It’s a well-oiled, finely-tuned, problem solving machine that’s slowly grinding your insides to mush. But what does it matter, your heart was already crushed in the first verse.
It’s the never-ending stream of words typed into pages and pages of notes in desperate attempts to temporarily alleviate the aching loneliness. Poetry and prose painfully out of reach because play-by-play descriptions of each day are all that are possible. You can blame Maslow for that.
It’s getting through hour by hour because you have no other choice. You are constantly telling yourself to recite your newly found set of mantras. Be grateful. Be strong. Be patient. Be forgiving. Let it go. Above all, let it go. Let go of all the havoc that being unrequited has unleashed on your body and your mind. Let go and find peace and embrace it. You will make it through this lonely, music-filled, sleepless, endless stream of words. Eventually, you will.
Eventually, I will too.