The Light and the Waves
After seconds and minutes of looking at you directly which seemed like hours and hours I had to look away. I found myself staring at the light above the kitchen table as if it had some magical power to take away my thoughts, or at least put a pause on the constant surge of emotions brewing inside of me.
By that time, my eyes hurt from holding back tears. I was so afraid that if I let go, you would suddenly find a reason to leave. As I stared at it, the light became so bright in my eyes that all things in my peripheral vision went out of focus. Even your voice seemed distant and shallow.
Hearing you from so far away talk about people, and needing people, yet having no purpose seemed like the same as the contradictions in the song you were playing. A contradiction that isn’t. Two things dis-similar, but not opposites. A dagger and a shield, an impatient and a yield. This seems to me to be an irony that is so profound I want to drink in the deepness of it. I want to have you push the waves of it toward me so I can bathe in it. I want to feel it roll over my skin with a methodical fluidity that both gives and takes away at the same time. I want this not only because I need it, but also so you don’t drown in it. Logic tells me that there is a finite amount, and if we divide it equally between the two of us, then neither will have too much or too little.
Then suddenly something snags me away from this thought and back to the reality of where we are and my eyes leave the light and lock, once again, in yours. The love I feel for you rises up as the music of the song, playing for the second time, comes to an end.
The next thought is like a sledgehammer to the already weak dam around my heart. I don’t want you to be another her – a ghost hovering near me filling my senses with traces of you. A ball of energy siphoning off my pain like a light fixed in a place above me and to the left. I don’t want you to be a memory, or a regret, or a figure coming to me in my dreams to tell me you love me. I don’t need another her – I need you here. I want to show you there IS love holding on you. There IS purpose in being here.
I already have a light, I need the waves.