The Year Around Me

The Year Around Me

The world outside is dark, and winter has a tight hold.
The bitter wind howls and everything is inches deep with cold.
It’s months like these I’m in denial, and in my house I hide.
And bide my time with planning for a time I’ll be outside.

I think on how the crocus pop, and herald the start of spring
Then daffodils, tulips, and iris, what wonderful, predictable things.
Oh how I’ll revel digging in the dirt, the stellas must be split.
Always another border to fill with flowers, I’ll never tire of it.
The weeks of spring are a ticking clock, there is much to be planted
Tomatoes, onions, peppers, squash – take none for granted.

The growing season, hot and long, requires lots of care and feeding.
All the life that wants to live means a fair amount of weeding.
The green grass of summer demands what seems like endless mowing
Which must be done so as to enjoy the rest of what is growing.

The autumn is also no time to rest, and mum really is the word
As the picking of ripened fruit is the only sound that’s heard
’Tis a lot of work, I’ll admit at times it can be quite trying.
But seeing what that hard work brings is very satisfying
Suddenly the house is shaking as the wind picks up again.
And I’m reminded it’s still two more months until the winters end.

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Twisted Vine

Twisted Vine

It’s taken me seconds
and minutes
and hours
and days alone
to get to a place where I could finally feel.
feel what I am feeling.
A slow dull pain that is creeping inside me.
It’s like the root of a vine
that is cut again and again
above the surface
yet lives below and waits
Waits for another time when it will rise once more.
And now I let it grow
and grow
and now I beg for it to flower.

 

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I Give Up

I Give Up

That’s it, I give up
I’m running away
And there’s not a single thing out there
To make me want to stay.

The world is a train wreck
The country’s on fire
There’s no place thats safe
From being utterly dire.

I’m packing my bags
Scratch that, never mind
For there’s not a damn thing I’ll want
When I’ve left this behind.

Too much connected
But it’s all a big lie
For real people don’t answer
So why even try.

Each direction I turn
There’s more of the same
It seems there’s nowhere to go
To escape from this game.

So I guess I can’t give up now
I’m stuck where I stand
Drowning in this mess
Of electronic quicksand.

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My Other Superpower

My Other Superpower

I had four hours of sleep last night so I should be thinking about when would be a  good time to take a nap but instead I’m letting my brain linger over what I can remember of my dreams. I had two. 

One of them I know I have had before because when I woke up from it I remember thinking, finally I was able to prove to someone else I can fly. So yes, a recurring dream where I have the ability to will my body off the ground and up in the air. That’s how it starts. Eventually I have such mental control over things that I can slowly propel myself in a certain direction. So it’s not really flying like Superman, but more of a elevation, hover, with slow motion forward. I’ve glided over houses and trees, towns with streets and cities with tall buildings. I don’t recall ever flying over scenery like mountains and streams and I am not sure why. 

In my dream last night I was with a group of people at a cafe or something. It was really two distinct groups and the cafe was kind of in a treehouse setting. One table in one tree and a different table in a neighboring tree. I think the tree thing was important because how else would we be up in the air and therefore prompt the need to get from the ground up to cafe level? 

In the past when other people have been in my dream I’m always like “Oh yeah, I can fly” and they don’t believe me of course. Then when I try to prove it, it just does not work. It’s like when something is wrong with your car and it’s making a noise but when you take it to a mechanic it magically stops making the noise. I’ve lost so much credibility over this thing.. it’s a good thing it’s only a dream. 

But this morning, I said I could do it and dude rolled his eyes at me and was like “right”. I showed him I was not touching the lift at all and stood there and concentrated and started floating up. Then he’s all like “Holy Shit” and I was all like “oh yeah, it’s for real”. 

Then I hovered at cafe level for a few seconds just maintaining position. Another round of concentration and I was propelling myself forward toward the other tree. I wish I could find the words to describe the sensation. Concentration is really not the right word. It’s more like focus on the collective of cells that makeup my body and “willing” them to rise. Such a strange sensation, and pretty fucking awesome. 

You know what else I remember? The dude I was talking to was young and good looking and after he saw what I could do he was more interested in me. Because who would not want to be with a girl who could fly. Seriously. 

That dream was connected to the second dream which contained elements of the first but was in an entirely different setting. I was “flying” over San Fran and giving someone a tour of the city. I could not see this person, and I’m not sure if they were also flying or if I was willing them to fly. Surely I was not carrying them because that would mean I had two super powers, flight and super-strength. That’s so illogical. Everyone knows you are only allowed one super power. 

Anyhow, we were in the fine-art district and rounding a large civic center where they have fancy shin-digs like orchestra concerts and black-tie fund raisers. You know, the kind where they serve lots of courses that are so tiny. A thimble of soup, a custard cup of caesar salad, and until you see it in person you never knew whole chickens that small even existed. They probably imported them from New Guiney where they specialize in making everything smaller. That’s where the iPod shuffle was invented you know. I digress.

As we hovered past I pointed out a building one block away that had a really cool green facade covering the entire building from top to bottom. I noted that is where my friend Gabe lives and he’s a developer and has worked on some really cool projects including Spotify. He probably makes a boatload of cash, but rent in that building is like 4+ grand a month. Its a studio. Somehow I feel this is an important fact when I give folks a tour of the city, just so they know that it’s cool, but there is a down side. Like people don’t already know the outrageous cost of living in California.

It’s like I’m the PSA poster child for all things obvious. “Don’t stick your hand in that fire. That will be painful”. Ha. My superhero name is Captain Obvious, but it’s cool, because I can fly and now I can prove it. 

That is all I remember about the dreams I had last night, but that’s OK, because the flying ones are some of my favorites. ❤️ 

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The Fall of Summer

The Fall of Summer

Fall is the Fall of Summer.
A step off of a solid 90 degree ledge
Straight down to 40 degrees below that.
Makes me think like Snow
Oh My God, “Winter IS coming”.

The chill, and damp, and overcast
Makes me want to crawl back into my bed
The spiders have similar instincts
And are searching for breaches
For sanctuary in the coming season.

The bastards feasted on my feet
And left my left hand limp and useless.
And I didn’t even gain any super-powers
It’s only the first five minutes of the fall
And I’m already mad about it.

Forget that pumpkin spice
The herald of the downward spiral.
The cascade of colors when green gives way
To yellow, gold, brown, and dead.
The fall of summer has begun.

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Ode To Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby

Ode To Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby

I’m listening to the Lullaby
Its sound soaking into my skin
Every verse as it surrounds me
A glimpse at all the people
I could never have been.

Like an idiot on a tightrope
Walking a line of fortune and fame.
Not that I wouldn’t if I could
But I’m not sure about
the rules of such a game

And I’ll not be any king of Hollywood
Smashing my cup on the palace floor
I can’t even be the servant called forth
In the drama of the moment
To bring him one more.

I can see millions of miles into the distance
and for that my life will never be a shame.
Though the floor around me is always lava
I refuse to be an acrobat
flying through circles of flame

I sometimes have memories in my dreams
And I’m pained by all the sorrow it brings
and I wake up after midnight
Because that’s when I know I can trust
The melody of the song my soul sings.

I will never be the last one out
That burden is just too much to bear
And I can’t be a rule breaker
I’ve tried and I’ve failed
and that just doesn’t seem fair

There’s a piece of my past
In every daydream my mind can see
There’s a million miles of sunset ahead
And I can never escape discovering
All the people I’m not meant to be

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The Rainbow Connection

2016-09-06 The Rainbow Connection

I’m face down in my bed this morning trying to go back to sleep. My stomach is rolling and my brain is tied up in knots and I’m so tired. Mental and physical exhaustion have me down for the count.. so I called in sick and crawled back into bed. Sleep is what I need. 

It is as dark as I can make it in my room and I’m laying flat on my stomach with my head propped sideways against the corner of a pillow folded under itself. I have to try and quiet my mind and let it wander away like a small child toddling from room to room in an unexplored house. Full of wonder, not caring what is around the next corner, marveling at all that is new. It doesn’t matter where my brain goes, as long as it becomes more and more quiet, and distant, and eventually silent with the sweet sensation of sleep. 

Maybe it starts in the bedroom, right here where I am and it’s loud with fan noise and the pounding sound of broken hearts and beasts of burden. It’s so hard to break away but I eventually drift down the hallway and down the stairs. I’m thinking about board games and birthday parties and TV shows that have long been forgotten. The TV is in another room, which I can still hear, but there is a distance between us and its becoming more faint. There are people talking but I am not sure if they are somewhere in the house or it is just the TV.

Then somehow I’m outside and in the front yard where it’s bright and warm and I can feel the rays of the sun massaging my skin. I don’t recall walking out the front door. Things have become peaceful and quiet and I’m walking away from the last traces of sound. As I walk, everything is unfamiliar and it feels so, so good. 

There is a park up ahead and without hesitation I decide that’s my destination. As I draw near, I can see a park bench. Sitting on the bench is the familiar figure of Kermit the Frog. For the first time in the still of of a long moment, I’m unsure what to do so I just stop and stare. I don’t think he sees me and it appears that he is himself staring off in some other direction. Then he breaks the silence with song. “Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me”. 

His singing is loud. The volume grows and becomes too loud and I cover my ears. The sound is pounding my senses. Why is he singing? Have I been half asleep? Have I heard voices? Why are they calling my name? 

I lift my head and the edge of the pillow uncurls below me to catch the first drops of my tears. In another instant I’m sobbing uncontrollably. This is just the saddest song and my heart aches with empathy. I feel so weak and and I know I need to sleep, but apparently the fates have other plans for me today. So I grab some tissues and dry my eyes and reach over to my nightstand to get my laptop so that I can write. 

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