What Lies Inside the Flame

What Lies Inside the Flame

I watched the flame from across the dark room. The flicker of the fire was concealed by the container that held it in, but the container itself was illuminated by the burning wick. All was dark and silent save for that one object, and I held it in my gaze as though the sight of it had set me in a trance. My body was there on the floor but my mind was miles away, transported to a different time and place. The space I was in was not so dark but it was warm too, and soft and comfortable unlike this solid ground. I imagined that I was there alone and waiting. My heart beat in my chest at the anticipation of your arrival into the room and I pretended when you walked in that I was sleeping. My hope was that if you were left to your own devices, you would chose to stay, but what happened next I could not have predicted even in my wildest dreams. You crept in next to me, with enough movement that I would most certainly wake, so I acknowledged you were there. I wanted what was to happen next but did not want to be the instigator. I did not want to have to convince you. I did not want to have to use reason, or logic, or words of any sort.

Laying there next to me you just started a conversation, like a person might have with someone on a park bench that they had never met before. “Seems like it is going to be a nice day again tomorrow”. My eyes said “yes”. “Might try to get to the pool if it gets hot enough”. The touch of my hand on your temple said “yes”. “Maybe we can go together”. My lips said “yes” and there were no words, just like I had hoped. Then subtly everything changed. The place that was warm and comfortable was now hot. The conversation with that bystander took a turn and you were suddenly in my arms and pressed against me. I had forgotten what it felt like to be in that place and not wanting the moments to go by too quickly I stopped to look into your eyes. I wanted to remember that moment for the rest of my life, to be able to conjure it up at any juncture as I know full well that those moments are far a few between. We live our entire existence just for a handful of them. I was going to get that kiss that I wanted with my whole life and the anticipation of it was so sweet….I wanted to linger there and make it last.

The kiss made my whole body feel weak, but at the same time created a force that I had not felt before. The pure energy that was flowing through me and into you and then back into me was a rush I had not expected. At that moment my eyes closed to surrender to the rest of the senses. The smell of you, the way your fingers felt as they traced their way up and down my side, the taste of your sweet lips, it was like nothing I had ever known before. And the only sound between us was the breathing, speaking volumes as it unlocked the mysteries of the universe, again, without a single word.

I was not sure how much time had passed…but when I opened my eyes you were looking at me and your smile made the moment complete. I had wanted that moment for so long, but never expected how intense it would be and was unsure what would happen when we got to the other side of it. I felt fragile and uncertain but your arms wrapped around me let me know that it was reality and that the nature of our relationship had changed.

I opened my eyes again, but this time to pure darkness. The flame that once was creating a glow in the room had burned out and the only thing that remained was the smell of the residual smoke its being extinguished had left behind. In my semi-conscious state my body still felt some of what was left of the memory. My heart still raced and sweat beaded on my forehead…but before I could catch my breath, the hard floor I was laying on snapped me back to reality. I was not in your room and the vision I had was not a memory but a distant dream that flew miles every second farther and farther away from me. As it slipped away I wept. My grief at the loss of this moment I never had was so sudden and violent I could not stop the tears. They were hot and honest streaming down my face and the sadness of it all was almost too much to bear, but I knew I would.

I had been through this before…crying tears upon my kitchen floor.

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